Dating: Where did it go?

Is chivalry dead? Where did chivalry and manners go? Am I expecting too much? What happened to opening car doors and not burping in public while walking with me? I was raised to say please and thank you. I’m starting to wonder is it just how people were raised or something more to it. I heard that women have lowered the standards. There are no longer any expectations of a man to pull out chairs or open doors. After some time of being together, apparently we as woman stop expecting it and become even more self sufficient. Not sure where this idea came from. My parents have been married for 40 years and my dad still opens the door for my mom. Those gestures don’t have expiration dates.

When I am invited into someones home and I use a glass, I will wash my glass and put it away. If I spend the night, I will make the bed. These are just common courtesy things that have been instilled in me. Is it too much to expect the same in return. A simple thank you no longer exists in the dating world. There is a level of expectation that comes with dating that apparently excludes thank you’s and compliments. I know I’ve been out of the dating game a long time, but these are things that are just non-negotiable. I have been called high maintenance and maybe this is why. I would like a compliment when I go out with you. I would like my car door opened. I would like a thank you when I let you in and share my world with you.

I was watching the Steve Harvey show and he had a few guys on there who had a problem with taking women out to dinner for financial reasons. Making it seem that women are only after a free meal. Not saying that those girls don’t exist but, they are not the norm. Steve Harvey pointed out that most women will buy a new outfit and or get their hair and nails done for that date, which usually ends up being more expensive than the date he’s taking her on. I would add that most women would rather a thoughtful date over an expensive dinner any day, I mean anyone can make dinner reservation. Planning a date that includes a meal you made, or just simply sitting under the stars with a bottle of wine and some candles and just talking goes a long way. Fellas if you throw in something she mentioned she loves, she will be putty in your hands.

Remember the chivalry, manners and appreciation. It goes a long way, more than you will ever realize. Don’t let any woman strip those qualities from you. Appreciation goes a long way, a person who feel appreciated will always do more than what is expected. Till next time…

Dating: text interpreting

So here is a topic I have had several conversations about amongst my guy friends and girl friends. We all know text is not the best form of communication, but its the most convenient and most used form. There are so many things that get misinterpreted within a text conversation, it baffles me why we still use it so much. What I have learned is that for most, its the most comfortable way to communicate because its very non-personal. There as an ability to “hide” behind texting that enables us to avoid being vulnerable. Also, most people do not do well with confrontation and texting gives us the ability to avoid that as well. I feel that what people fail to realize is that texting really hinders our social skills. For example, have you every had an amazing text conversation with someone then meet them in person and feel like you’re talking to a totally different person? I once started talking to someone who was very talkative and complementary via text, but then once I met him all he had to talk about was work and not one compliment came  my way. The minute we ended our lunch, I got all the compliments via text. I was so confused. Needless to say I never talked to him again.

How do we interpret texts? I’ve learned that you have to know the persons demeanor and character before you can truly decipher their texts. For example, when someone says they are not good at expressing emotion, I already know not to expect too many compliments or praise from them. If someone is sarcastic, you have to carefully question the texts to see if they are just being sarcastic or not. The key to me about texting, is to not take things too seriously via text. Even people make plans via text very nonchalantly and seem to have no problem canceling hours before set plans. Emojis are another obstacle in texting. Some say that no one takes those seriously, but in my fiends case I found out that someone was taking the emojis to heart. That could potentially lead to a bit of disappointment once realized, emojis were sent all in fun.

So the take away for me with texting, is simply don’t over analyze. If a text becomes so bothersome to you, just ask. Most people appreciate the question versus an assumption that could potentially lead to miscommunication. Hope this helps, I know I myself have learned to not take texts to heart and anything thats really important to me is always communicated in person. I believe there is more revealed in someones physical reaction than just their verbal or text response. Till next time…

Girl Talk: how long is too long

So how long should good sex last? This was the topic amongst my girls and I yesterday over lunch while in paradise. Yes guys, girls do talk about sex too. I’m not sure where you fellas got the idea that women need you to last for hours. To be honest we determined 15-20 min is the sweet spot for us. Don’t get me wrong good sex is good and bad sex is still pretty good, but the time in which spent having sex is a whole other issue. Research shows that American sex is very fast, with a national average being 7.3 minutes.

Fellas, we don’t need marathon sex. We need the foreplay and a few sex positions without repeat. Simple enough. There is such a thing as taking too long, you don’t want us to ever think “when is he gonna finish or he needs to hurry up.” After all we do dry out and can lose interest if you take too long. We prefer a round two over an hour long session any day.

There are a few circumstances in which long sexual sessions are welcomed but they do need to be planned out and broken up a bit. For example, anniversary night making her dinner in the kitchen and you decide to start a little foreplay on the kitchen counter. Now that may lead to some pre-dinner sex. Then a nice candle lit dinner would come next. This re-sets that mood and gets you both ready for round two in the bedroom. Just remember that the orgasm is the final goal for us both, so its more about timing than it is duration. Till next time….

 

Dating: Man in the mask

Here’s that story from “lesson learned.” It was October when I met someone at a friends halloween party. I really don’t celebrate halloween, so it was a very last minute decision for me to go. Needless to say,  I had a great time and got to do a little flirting that night. I followed that night up with an invite out for some one on one time. Those plans never happened and so I moved on unscathed.

It wasn’t until a month or so later, that I was invited to another gathering in which he would be attending. There was some talk about it possibly being uncomfortable however, I was fine and so was he. At this particular event, we ended up flirting once again and I got to know him a little better. I realized that my attraction to him was his confidence, his outgoingness, and just the overall quality of how he carried himself. That night we got to know each other a little more. I experienced his hospitality and generosity. He showed me kindness and made me feel comfortable. We talked for hours about everything. There were even those moments where we said the same thing at the same time. I had mentioned to him that I thought he could possibly be the male version of me. Which if you know me at all, would know that anytime someone would ask me what I wanted for a mate my answer was always “a guy version of myself.” Now with all that said, we realized that we wanted different things and that we were in two different places in life. We each respected one anthers position.

We ended up spending some time together in the weeks that followed. A simple “hey do you want to go to the game” night had turned into one hell of a night, in which that became our inside joke. At one point I realized that I had a great time with him, regardless of if it would turn into anything or not. This is when I decided that I would put my wants aside and agree to the things he was ready for. Thats when I started wondering if people come into your life for a reason, or is it all by chance. This thought weighed heavy on me enough to consult “my sister.”

One night over wine we talked through this idea of people coming into our lives by chance, intentionally sent from God, or randomly but for a reason. After a long conversation and even some consulting for “my brother,” you know to get that male insight, I realized that its all in our perspective. Simply put, we choose how we see things. Its our choice how to look at the world. I do feel that we can all take something from the people that come in and out of our lives. Every interaction is an opportunity to learn something, whether it be about yourself or that person. The way I cope with so many people coming in and out of my life is by simply choosing to see all the good that came from that person. I choose to learn about myself and how people perceive me. Remember I want to stop looking for “the one” and be the one! I really think that looking at things this way has allowed me to not fall apart after T passed. By surrounding myself with the right people and allowing myself to feel everything, has really helped me keep my smile. The biggest compliment I was recently given was by one of T biggest fans and great friend, he said “through it all your smile has remained the same.” That was my validation that I was on the right path.

I’m sure some of you are wondering about the ending to my original story. So right around Christmas, we spent a great night out with some of his family. Another awesome dynamic to witness I might add, he had me tell my “school story” to them which made me feel very respected by him. That would be the last time I would ever see him again. In the days that followed, he went ghost for a bit. But then he reached out and told me that I had done too much too soon. That he didn’t want to take advantage of me since I liked him. He didn’t want me to think that us spending time together would lead to anything more, he did however imply that he had more to say but when I reached out to do so he never replied. So of course in true girl fashion, I spent the next few days analyzing every interaction and conversation to try and understand where the break in communication had occurred. After all, I already had agreed to his terms and not once asked him the dreaded question “so where is this going” I already knew. Needles to say I don’t fully understand what happened, but I know that I stayed true to myself and have no regrets. He was an amazing person to me and I wish him nothing but the best. I have no doubt that he will continue to be successful and touch peoples lives the way he did mine. I learned that just because I can do things for people, doesn’t mean they want it. My generosity and thoughtfulness can be too much for people and I need to be more selective of who I give myself too. Not everyone deserves everything we have to offer. Till next time…

Dating : lesson learned

So we’ve all seen the memes that say “everyone getting married and having babies, and I’m over here asking you your favorite color.” Well Im in that starting over phase as we speak and have realized its not so bad after all. I guess thats because when you find someone who gives you butterflies, its all new and exciting. It wasn’t long ago that I told a friend of mine, that I needed a break from dating “its been like 50 dates already and nothing good.” His response “it might be that 51st date that is good you never know.”

It took me awhile to get here. Of course, at first I thought I would be single forever and meet T in heaven one day. Then I realized thats not what T would want for me, and I still had my whole life ahead of me. I still want to get married and have a family one day. Then of course the guilt came. The only way I knew how to get through that was asking myself “what would T want or what would T do”; and of course a lot of prayer!

Have you ever met someone for the first time but it feels like you’ve know each other for years? Thats what has happened to me. Its super easy and comfortable, things just seem to flow. The hardest part is not going with my heart, and using more brain this time. Of course I’m excited, Ive been on too many first dates and very very few second dates. However, my goal is to not do too much too soon, as one once told me. I tend to live for the moment a lot more these days, not realizing that not everyone can handle that. I am naturally a giver and a thoughtful person, so its kind of out of my control at times. If someone shows me kindness and appreciation, I tend to go above and beyond for that person. Without sounding skeptical, I know that I need to take things slow and really allow things to happen. Someone once said “I already know I can make a woman fall in love with me,” so the need to know the other person is crucial before one puts all of themselves out there. I recently learned that giving 100 can sometimes be the downfall of getting to know someone. That story to follow…

One of the biggest things I learned from T passing, was that I never want people to question where I stand with them. There were so many people that came to me and said “I hope T knew how much I loved him.” Those people took his death the hardest. Those who didn’t return his last phone call, or said they would call him back or come see him soon; were the ones who’s pain I really saw. God works in mysterious ways, in the weeks leading up to his death, T and I ran into so many people we hadn’t seen in a very long time. Now looking back, he was meant to see them before he passed. So I now make it a point to tell those around me how much I love and appreciated them as regularly as possible. Even those that have done me wrong in the past, I have managed to forgive and even attempt to mend. You never know when your last day will be, so I just want to make sure that those in my life always know where I stand with them. So you can see my struggle. I want to maintain who I am and how I treat people, without getting hurt or losing anyone in the process. Till next time…

Dating: The One

So how many of us have had the debate on whether or not there is such a thing as “the one” ? I know I have. I have had this convo with my girlfriends, with guy friends, and even with T. Its a 50/50 split when it comes to people who either believe in it or they don’t. One guy told me that there can only be one true love for everyone, and a girlfriend once said “we have many loves in this lifetime”

Here is my take on the topic. I think we all want to believe in the fairytale of this idea but logically it doesn’t make sense. I don’t believe that it is logically possible to have one person meant for you. What if 3 years ago “my guy” married the wrong girl. Now that guy who is waiting for her will have to marry the wrong girl because “my guy” took her. And I will then have to marry the wrong guy and so on and so forth. It is just an impossible chain reaction to maintain, which can easily be broken by one wrong decision.

The other part of this whole “the one” idea is that it puts way too much pressure on someone. There is no such thing as perfect. When we uphold this idea of “the one,” no matter how good someone is to you, we want more. So for me in the end its not about finding the one its about being the one. I want to better myself so that I can be the best me, instead of looking for someone to complete me. Looking for someone whose life fits perfectly with mine, because then we get lost in that person. We let our significant others define us and our own identity gets lost in that person. When this happens we then become reactive.

Not to get religious on anyone, but when we align ourselves with God and walk a good life, we are then able to maintain our identity and realize that God gave us the ability to choose. When you are able to focus on being the one, then you’re able to maintain your identity and therefore show grace and mercy and love, instead of being reactive. If you surround yourself with good people who will help you grow and learn and focus on begin your best, you have the freedom to choose. So I believe we can choose to be with whoever we want. You can make anyone “the one” “your one.” When you are transparent and walking the right path we learn to treat people better and therefore can pick whoever we want. We gain the tools to love, forgive, show grace to that person we love which we can do with anyone. This in turn takes all the pressure off being “the one,” upholding this perfect standard. We are no longer wasting time looking for something perfect that will fit into our life. They always say you attract what you put out there.

After every relationship, our list of “must haves” increase. We learn about ourselves more and our likes/dislikes with every relationship. Since losing T, my list has gotten so short! I have realized what matters in life. I regret all the stupid arguments and time wasted fighting about petty things. I have learned the value of someone loving me far exceeds their occupation or habits. Its all about how I’m treated, the experiences we share that add up to a meaningful life together. Till next time…

Dating: ghost

So when did it become acceptable to just go ghost on people? Since when do we not talk things out? When did we become afraid to just tell people how we feel? For those that don’t know, going ghost refers to people who just fall off and disappear out of your life for no apparent reason or without any explanation.

It has now been over a year since I lost T and been single. I have hit the ground running when it comes to dating in the last 6 months. Since being out of the dating scene for 5 years, I have noticed a lot has changed. First and foremost social media and online dating have taken over the world of dating. From Tinder to Match, there are so many apps and sites to meet people that no one can stay focused on anyone long enough to get to know people. I feel like its all about filling a calendar. I too am guilty of it. I talk to multiple people at a time which may ultimately be the cause of my unsuccessful dating history, who knows.

One trend I have noticed while dating is this act of going ghost. We have all seen that meme on IG about texting heavy, sending pics, fall off, repeat… What is that all about? When your talking to someone on the phone and they hang up on you, that is the biggest sign of disrespect to me. Going ghost via text is the same type of thing. I think it is so disrespectful. Why can’t we use our words? People are afraid to hurt someones feelings by telling them they are no longer interested, or that they have met someone else; but have no problem with just ignoring someone. To me that is just plain coward. I would have more respect for someone who was upfront with me and told me how they felt, over the guy that just doesn’t every respond back. I feel that most people would say the same, however everyone does this, guys and girls!

When will we learn that communication is the key to all interactions with each other. Whether it be a relationship, at work, or with family; if we could all just talk things out, we would have much healthier interactions in life. I have never had so many people come in and out of my life so quickly. There is so much misrepresentation in dating these days, that its hard to not get jaded about dating.

I have so many ghost stories to share and a handful of them actually hurt! People who I genuinely believed in, have managed to just disappear. This has happened to me so much, that I too have now adopted this practice. If you ignore me or just come around when its convenient for you, then I will be the one to go ghost. I feel like I have to protect myself from people who just come in and “finger” my life then later just disappear. I refuse to have that cycle in my life. I have worked hard to make a good life for myself and therefore won’t just let anyone bring unhappiness into it. The hardest part of adopting this practice is not losing myself in it. I am genuinely a giving, thoughtful, considerate, loving, and respectful person. Constantly trying to protect myself and have my guard up, messes with all those great qualities I have worked so hard to keep my smile throughout all my ups and downs. My latest challenge has been working on mastering grace and forgiveness towards people. I feel like it is the only way I can remain happy even when people hurt me. This leads me into my next dating topic: “the one”.  Stay tuned….

I’d like to end this one with…keep it simple: missing somebody-call, have a question-ask, want to be understood-explain, don’t like something-change it, love someone-tell them, want to meet up-invite. After all life is just too short, take it from me who lost her number one. Time is precious… till next time.

Family

Today I drove down to Boca Raton, Florida.  I took my mom with me so that she could hang out with my grandmother for the weekend while I took a little getaway for myself. The reason for my trip is to see my cousins that I haven’t seen in over 7 years. Its crazy how time flies and ridiculous to think that I have managed to distance myself from my cousins due to the “adults” not getting along. So one thing about Persian culture is that we can hold a grudge till the day we die. It’s a terrible quality. Since there was a falling out among some of my aunts and uncles and my parents and whoever else, the families stopped getting together. No holidays, birthdays or random long weekends. After T died, I really thought about what would happen once my parents passed. Who would I have left since our families hadn’t gotten together in such a long time.

I had a made a friend over the summer who was in a similar family situation as myself and he told me about an annual cousin meeting that he had set up so that he could maintain a relationship outside of all the drama.So that is what I did. I reached out to my cousins and set up a dinner close to them here in Boca. I booked a hotel and figured I would take advantage of this opportunity to get a little getaway out of it.

I drove to my grandmothers to drop my mom off and I realized I hadn’t seen her in years too. She looked so different, lost a bit of weight and wasn’t as sharp as I remembered her to be. Her cooking however, still on point! While I was there, my aunt called and said to meet up with her at a local DD. So I reluctantly agreed to join, because once again I hadn’t seen her in years and wanted to be respectful. Once I was sitting there with my grandmother, mom, and aunt; I realized there was no other place I was suppose to be. Listening to them share stories of when they were younger and just laughing at themselves was such an awesome moment. Thats when I realized the true importance of this trip, family is more than just paying your respects. I realized I need to put my family back together somehow.

Of course something else did happen amongst all this realization. There are two brothers in my group of cousins who are apparently not getting along.  As of three weeks ago everything was fine, but today ones not coming to dinner. I have to admit I’m really disappointed for obvious reasons, but what can I do. After getting the whole story, my grandmother makes a statement that didn’t really sit well with me. She said its always when a man in our family brings in a woman, that he allows her to slowly distance the family. She clearly is blaming his girlfriend on this whole argument and his absence. I later find out that she has been promoted from girlfriend to fiancé. Apparently my cousin is engaged! I was suppose to be congratulating him, instead I was feeling disappointed in his upcoming absence tonight.

I kept replaying my grandmothers comment over and over and then started wondering how my wedding to T would have looked. T was always the more the merrier type when it came to any and all events. So I definitely know that he would never want me to distance myself from my family, especially since he was so close to his large family. But would my family embrace him? I’m still trying to figure out how all this stuff even happens, how do I get people to realize how petty they are being and that time is precious. I have already lost so much time in my cousins lives and I really don’t want to lose anymore. Tonight only four of us will make an amazing memory together, and that makes me kinda sad. Praying this one up, till next time…

Dedication Part 1

It’s Friday! Always a celebration day for me and my girls. My lightest day at work, catching up on paperwork and tying up all the loose ends for the week. Making plans with the girls while jamming out, seems to be the staple afternoon activity. Tonight I had dinner with a friend of mine that I always seem to have great conversations with. Definitely a conversation worth sharing. We talked about a lot of different things but one thing stuck out as worth sharing and that was about career/job choices.

I was directed from a young age towards college and a profession in health care. Something my parents made very clear to me from the beginning. Most of my friends were on the the elementary school, middle school, high school then move out path; where as I was always expected to go to college straight after high school. The reason being, my parents education followed that course back in Iran. College was not optional but just apart of the public school system there. So I didn’t know any better to really fight them on it, to be honest. My parents had been through a lot when it came to education, so they knew a thing or two about a thing or two.

Based on their experiences I was directed into the medical profession; medical school, dental school or pharmacy school. Now most would say that is really messed up of my parents to take away my right to figure out my own career in college. After all college is where you find yourself right ? My dad told me something that made a lot of sense, as he always did. He said that I needed to be in a profession where people needed my skills in order for me to make money, instead of being in a profession where I need people to like what I do in order for me to make money. At first I was lost, but then I it clicked. For example, everyone gets old or sick and will beed medicine at some point in their life. Pharmacy has job security. Everyone will need to get their teeth fixed or get a check up, so dentists and docs have job security. However, if you’re in advertising for example, someone has to like your idea for you to be successful. There might be someone whose idea is better than yours, job not so secure. It all fell into place right before graduating pharmacy school. I had 5 job offers, when my friends who majored in bushiness had not one single job offer. Thats the moment I hugged my dad and said thank you.

The other key to the puzzle was his next piece of logic. He said you can go to college and party and have a great time for 6 years; or you can work hard for 6 years and party for the rest of your life. That was a no brainer for me. Once in professional school, its all about passing. Just get through it! I had a friend who was in his last year of pharmacy school as I was starting my first year, and he explained the process of pharmacy school to me very simply. He said your first year they shove an umbrella up your ass! The second year they open he umbrella up in your ass, hardest year ever! Third year they close the umbrella and forth year they pull it out! Just pass! Once I got out, I was making good money which allowed me to get out of deft, buy a car , a house and travel within 2 years of graduating. I was living the life! Well so I thought, until I met T.

There are two types of people in this world. There are those who wake up every morning and love what they do and don’t necessarily make great money, or make any money at all. Then there are those who may not like what they do, but they go to a job that makes money that allows them to have the life they want after work. Now there is that small third group, who love what they do and make good money but those are your athletes and movie stars and singers. T was group one and I was group two. It was my dad and him that ultimately influenced me to start my own pharmacy. Now I’m in that small third group! I owe all my career success to my dads valuable lessons and the support of my best friend T. Good night everyone, till next time….

My First Blog Post

Good morning, today begins my “blog journey.” Super excited to share my story and hopefully inspire some to live a little happier. If you haven’t had a chance to read my “about me,” heres a short recap. My story begins with the tragedy of losing my best friend and love a little over a year ago, T. I should have been planning my wedding, but instead I was trying to figure out how to live again. So I decided today to start a blog because so many people who I’ve shared my story with have been very pleasantly surprised by my attitude and passion to live and love.

I owe my ability to get through this tragedy to T. He showed me how to live each day to the fullest, and how to smile through everything. I know that sounds crazy but theres a way. T always use to say, keep it moving. Anytime anything bad happened thats what he would say and then do. When he died, I thought to myself what would T do and then I would just keep it moving. Don’t get me wrong I have several friends and family around me that scraped me off the floor immediately after it all happened. This is where I really learned who my friends and family were, but thats a whole other day.

Back to how exactly to smile through life. I had someone explain a therapy technique to me which made a lot of sense. He said, basically you have to fill your day with multiple things. If you have multiple things going on in one day, it won’t matter if one thing goes wrong because you have 3 other things that went well. Make sure to alway incorporate things you enjoy in your day. For example, in a day one has a job to go to, maybe the gym, and a few errands to run. Work may suck that day, maybe u hurt your ankle at the gym, and the grocery store was out of your favorite cracker, this would be the worse day ever. Now if you had incorporated a few things you enjoyed in that day, then in the end you could smile. On that day I may stop and get my favorite coffee, or gab my favorite take out for dinner, or call a girlfriend for a glass of wine that night.

Biggest thing I’ve learned is how to measure success. I use to think success was about my career, the home I live in, the car I drove. I now realize success is measured by the experiences we live. This will be something I elaborate on in the future. Till next time…